pga gender reader belgrade 2004 page 20

The idea of
‘normal sex’
An awful lot of us spend an awful lot of time
worrying about sex. We worry about what kind of
sex we are having (or not having). We even worry
about what kind of sex other people are having (or
not having). All this worrying sometimes leads to
telling other people what kinds of sex they should
have or shouldn't have. Even more shocking, some
people take advantage of our anxieties about sex to
sell us things. But we can change that.
Sex Sells
Corporations absolutely love the fact that we are all
so hung up about sex. They sell us images of
‘desirable’ people that most of us will never look like
(even if we could airbrush ourselves). This
encourages us to buy everything from soft drinks and
magazines to cars and holidays. At the same time, it
makes us so insecure about our own desirability that
we spend even more money on things like clothes
and cosmetics, self-help books and sex advice
columns, diets and plastic surgery. This vicious cycle
means that corporations make more and more profits
and we all feel more and more insecure and
dissatisfied. Neat trick, eh?
At the same time, advertising and mass media shape
our ideas of what is sexy and what sex should be.
The media doesn't give us what we want. It creates
images and then convinces us to want them. At the
same time, we are told that sex is natural -- it just
happens. How realistic is that?
Fortunately, we have choices. We can work with
other people to change this. We can decide for
ourselves what is 'sexy.' We can share our
experiences of what sex is really like. And how we
would like it to be! We can create alternatives so that
sex is for people, not for profit.
It’s a Sin
We don't have to fit sex into traditional moralities. Instead
we can focus on respect, consideration, pleasure and
communication. We can think for ourselves. We can also
change how other people think about sex by practising
talking more openly and comfortably. We don't have to
accept life the way it is -- we have the power to change!
Words like sinful, immoral, abnormal and unnatural get thrown
around a lot by people who are uncomfortable with sex. But
who decides? The thing is, there is no truth about sex.
Priests, politicians, psychiatrists, parents and peers may like
to think that they know what is right and what is wrong
when it comes to sex. Maybe it makes them feel better about
their own sexual anxieties. Unfortunately, this leads to other
people feeling anxious as well.
Like any other aspects of life, sexuality is incredibly complex.
Sexual fantasies, relationships and behaviours vary
dramatically across cultures and even among individuals in
the same culture. Even in the same culture, different people
can't even agree on what counts as ‘sex’ and what doesn't!
We don't have to accept the ‘truth about sex’ that we get
from magazines, religion or friends. What we can do is
educate ourselves, talk with others, and support each other
through difficult times. We can develop the self-respect and
confidence to ask for what we want and to say no to what we
don't want. We can improve our communication with sexual
partners to make sure that everyone is happy with what they
are doing. We can educate ourselves about our bodies and
how to keep ourselves healthy.
We can also develop good relationships with other people. It
is often helpful to talk to people we trust and listen to their
thoughts. Talking to other people as equals and making our
own choices makes us feel better about ourselves than if we
feel like we have no choice. And if we feel better about
ourselves, we take more pleasure in life.
But, relationships aren’t easy. And most aren’t very equal.
How equal are your relationships at work? With authorities?
Or partners? It isn’t easy to talk or live as equals, because we
don’t get much practice! Why do we put up with that?
Talking Sex
Because our society is so uncomfortable with sex, we
spend a lot of time of thinking and talking about it.
Unfortunately, most of this talk covers up our
anxieties rather than dealing with them. We make
jokes and act out roles – homophobic lad, sex expert,
prude, etc -- to hide from our fears. This means an
awful lot of talking and very little communicating. If
we ever want to be comfortable with sex ourselves,
and if we want to live in a society where sex is just a
nice part of life instead of a big scary thing, we need to
practise talking about sex in different ways.
Slags and Studs
Women who have sex with 'a lot' of people get called
slag or slut. Men who have sex with 'a lot' of people
get called stud or a real man. And those who don't
seem interested in sex with other people are
considered 'abnormal', too. We could be more
concerned about things like communication, respect
and safer sex than the ‘correct’ number of partners.
Sexual Disorientation
Supposedly people can be put into three boxes,
depending on whether they fancy women, men or
both. While this is a popular idea, it seems to cause an
awful lot of suffering. People worry a lot about their
image, trying very hard to make sure that others
realise ‘what’ they are. At the same time, we worry
about ‘what’ other people are -- are they like me or
are they different? (Aren't we all different?) Even
worse, some people are so unhappy and anxious
about these ‘differences’ that they attack others, either
physically or verbally. Even people who call
themselves ‘straight’ get attacked. Finally, people
suffer when they desire others of the 'wrong' sex, or if
they are worried that others think they do. This idea
of ‘sexual orientation’ leads to so much suffering over
something that really should be very nice. Maybe we
should get rid of it and just enjoy ourselves . . .
pga gender reader belgrade 2004 page 20